Perfection

There's a trap hiding in plain sight in your marriage. You could see it if you were looking for it, but you probably aren't. You're more likely to find it by tripping over it (and chances are it's going to do more damage than just stub your toe). What is it? It's the trap of perfection.

When a photographer - whether they are an amateur or a professional - goes out with their camera to take pictures, they do so with the expectation that not all the shots they take are going to turn out just right. Changes in lighting, moving subjects, equipment that doesn't perform as expected, an unsteady hand... all of these and even more factors can affect the finished product. That's a big reason why photographers take so many shots! Personally, since the advent of the digital camera, I have gotten into the habit of taking at least two photos each time I aim my lens at something. When I go back through my photos later I just delete the ones that didn't turn out. Even though I take imperfect photos, those aren't the ones I print and hang on my wall. As a rule I don't usually share them anywhere. I don't expect to take 100% perfect photos... but I generally expect to see perfect photos when I look at the work of others. Don't you, too? That's because photographers try to put only the best examples of their work on display. Subtly, and without thinking about it, we are expecting perfection from others without holding ourselves to the same unattainable standards. Do we do the same thing in our marriages?

Moving subject...

Generally speaking, we all try to put our best foot forward - especially when we are in public. We know we're not perfect, but we sure try to appear perfect. Especially when girl meets boy. Back at the beginning of your relationship you were both very careful about how you wanted the other person to perceive you. You went on dates only after you spent a significant amount of time on your appearance. Your conversations were carefully chosen. You made sure to act in ways that would only impress the other. You wanted to grow the relationship by putting forth the best version of yourself. As time went on you were naturally more open with each other, but it wasn't really until you got married that the whole truth started to come out, so to speak. And oh boy, did the truth come out. Like a landslide. (Am I right?!)

What truth? Wives - the truth is that your husband isn't perfect. Husbands - the truth is that your wife isn't perfect. You don't always get the "best foot forward" relationship anymore. Now you get real with each other. And that's a good thing! However, I think sometimes, deep down, we still hold onto the expectation that the person we love will continue to strive to present the best version of themselves to us. So, when we start seeing the things that aren't quite perfect, well... The thing I have noticed is that it's kind of like a chain reaction. First, you see a flaw or two. That leads into you noticing more flaws until you get to the point where it seems that all you can see in your once-adored spouse is their flaws. Now, obviously, that type of view of each other is going to cause issues in your relationship. Arguments and hard feelings towards each other are often just the beginning. Eventually, little by little, your hearts begin to be drawn away from each other and you may find yourselves at a place in your relationship that you never imagined you would ever reach.

Yup, that's a finger across the lens (Pine Siskin on the feeder).

Going back to the trap I mentioned at the beginning - the trap of perfection. To be more specific, that pitfall which trips up so many of us is the trap of the expectation of perfection.

Building a strong and lasting marriage relationship requires some things of both parties. It requires a lot of hard work! Of course when we enter into this type of discussion we think of working on things like love, unselfishness, communication, cooperation, and so forth. Those are all vital and important things, and this is not an exhaustive list - you can probably think of several others also. I've been thinking lately, and I think that there's another critical element. I think that building a strong and lasting marriage relationship requires acknowledging imperfections, and there are three areas I think we need to look at.

#1 - First of all, we need to acknowledge our own imperfections. Nobody really likes to do that, but you need to be honest with yourself. You know you're not perfect - so just admit it! All of us make mistakes sometimes. In fact it is impossible to go through life without making mistakes. Admitting that fact shouldn't be as difficult as we make it. Our pride often hinders our willingness to be honest with ourselves, but it is not impossible to swallow down our pride - just a little painful. However, compared to simply not wanting to admit our imperfections, the inability to see or to admit to your own mistakes is a sign that you need to work on some things in your personal life. If you find yourself in that place, you may find it helpful to talk with a Pastor or a counselor.

Lots of things wrong with this elk's portrait...

 #2 - Next we need to acknowledge our spouse's imperfections. That's really not as hard as acknowledging our own shortcomings, is it? Let's face it - generally there is no one in whom we see imperfections more clearly than in our spouse. But I'm not talking about acknowledging their flaws in a way that calls them out, belittles them, or causes strife in your relationship. What I'm talking about is you simply internally recognizing that not everything your spouse does or says or thinks is going to be done with absolute perfection. It's important! Remember, not everything you do or say or think is going to be done with absolute perfection either! (See point #1.) Also, your spouse is not going to do everything the same as you do. And that's okay. You didn't marry your own clone. Our differences can actually make our relationship stronger if we learn to work through them and if we quit thinking that our way is always the only right way of handling things.

Out of focus Bighorn Sheep ewe and lamb.

#3 - Lastly, we need to recognize that life is imperfect. Other people are imperfect. Your kids are imperfect. Your body/health is imperfect. Your job is imperfect. The world is imperfect. Oftentimes you will face things that are out of your control. It's not fun to be thrown into situations like that. Sometimes when you are, you or your spouse will have an imperfect reaction. That's normal and understandable. When those imperfect reactions happen, we have a choice as to how we are going to respond to our other half. Will we let anger take a foothold in our relationship, clawing it's way between us and driving in a wedge of unforgiveness that can be very difficult or even almost impossible to remove? Or will we acknowledge our feelings about what happened, talk honestly with our spouse, forgive, and move forward?

There's a Bullock's Oriole hidden behind that brushy foreground.

It is important to note that acknowledging imperfections is not the same thing as accepting them. We should always strive to do better. If you realize that your car is dragging a muffler or something while you're driving down the road you surely aren't going to say, "Well, that's alright. My car's not perfect," and keep on driving. Nooo... you're going to pull over to the side of the road. And in the absence of duct tape or bailing twine (haha), you're probably going to call a tow truck. It's true that your car isn't perfect. But you're not going to ignore the problem. You're going to try to fix it. Can you "fix" your spouse when you see some flaws in their life? Um... NO. That's not going to go over well at all. But, what you CAN do is work on fixing your own imperfections. Matthew 7: 3-5* says, "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." If you've got an area in your life you need to work on (and we all do), focus on doing that first. Put forth the effort that is needed, including praying to ask God for help with the issue. And while you're on your knees, pray for your spouse, too! Chances are they will see the effort you are putting into your own life. And if you're praying, God is going to be working on their heart as well.

We must have some grace for each other! Marriages do require constant effort from both husband and wife in order to succeed. I think we tend to forget that sometimes. Perhaps especially as we have been married for an increasing number of years. Just as salvation is not simply a one-time event, but rather a constant process of learning to follow God and returning to Him for forgiveness when we mess up, so also marriage is a constant process of learning how to best love and support our spouse and asking for forgiveness from them when we make mistakes. Let these words from Paul in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a* be a guide for you: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

(Please Note: In no way does saying "I'm imperfect" or "he/she is imperfect" create an excuse for any kind of abusive behavior. If you are experiencing an abusive relationship, please get help.)

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: 

If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. 

But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. 

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. 

But how can one keep warm alone? 

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. 

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

-Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12*

*Scripture verses in this post were taken from the NIV Bible.