Perfection

There's a trap hiding in plain sight in your marriage. You could see it if you were looking for it, but you probably aren't. You're more likely to find it by tripping over it (and chances are it's going to do more damage than just stub your toe). What is it? It's the trap of perfection.

When a photographer - whether they are an amateur or a professional - goes out with their camera to take pictures, they do so with the expectation that not all the shots they take are going to turn out just right. Changes in lighting, moving subjects, equipment that doesn't perform as expected, an unsteady hand... all of these and even more factors can affect the finished product. That's a big reason why photographers take so many shots! Personally, since the advent of the digital camera, I have gotten into the habit of taking at least two photos each time I aim my lens at something. When I go back through my photos later I just delete the ones that didn't turn out. Even though I take imperfect photos, those aren't the ones I print and hang on my wall. As a rule I don't usually share them anywhere. I don't expect to take 100% perfect photos... but I generally expect to see perfect photos when I look at the work of others. Don't you, too? That's because photographers try to put only the best examples of their work on display. Subtly, and without thinking about it, we are expecting perfection from others without holding ourselves to the same unattainable standards. Do we do the same thing in our marriages?

Moving subject...

Generally speaking, we all try to put our best foot forward - especially when we are in public. We know we're not perfect, but we sure try to appear perfect. Especially when girl meets boy. Back at the beginning of your relationship you were both very careful about how you wanted the other person to perceive you. You went on dates only after you spent a significant amount of time on your appearance. Your conversations were carefully chosen. You made sure to act in ways that would only impress the other. You wanted to grow the relationship by putting forth the best version of yourself. As time went on you were naturally more open with each other, but it wasn't really until you got married that the whole truth started to come out, so to speak. And oh boy, did the truth come out. Like a landslide. (Am I right?!)

What truth? Wives - the truth is that your husband isn't perfect. Husbands - the truth is that your wife isn't perfect. You don't always get the "best foot forward" relationship anymore. Now you get real with each other. And that's a good thing! However, I think sometimes, deep down, we still hold onto the expectation that the person we love will continue to strive to present the best version of themselves to us. So, when we start seeing the things that aren't quite perfect, well... The thing I have noticed is that it's kind of like a chain reaction. First, you see a flaw or two. That leads into you noticing more flaws until you get to the point where it seems that all you can see in your once-adored spouse is their flaws. Now, obviously, that type of view of each other is going to cause issues in your relationship. Arguments and hard feelings towards each other are often just the beginning. Eventually, little by little, your hearts begin to be drawn away from each other and you may find yourselves at a place in your relationship that you never imagined you would ever reach.

Yup, that's a finger across the lens (Pine Siskin on the feeder).

Going back to the trap I mentioned at the beginning - the trap of perfection. To be more specific, that pitfall which trips up so many of us is the trap of the expectation of perfection.

Building a strong and lasting marriage relationship requires some things of both parties. It requires a lot of hard work! Of course when we enter into this type of discussion we think of working on things like love, unselfishness, communication, cooperation, and so forth. Those are all vital and important things, and this is not an exhaustive list - you can probably think of several others also. I've been thinking lately, and I think that there's another critical element. I think that building a strong and lasting marriage relationship requires acknowledging imperfections, and there are three areas I think we need to look at.

#1 - First of all, we need to acknowledge our own imperfections. Nobody really likes to do that, but you need to be honest with yourself. You know you're not perfect - so just admit it! All of us make mistakes sometimes. In fact it is impossible to go through life without making mistakes. Admitting that fact shouldn't be as difficult as we make it. Our pride often hinders our willingness to be honest with ourselves, but it is not impossible to swallow down our pride - just a little painful. However, compared to simply not wanting to admit our imperfections, the inability to see or to admit to your own mistakes is a sign that you need to work on some things in your personal life. If you find yourself in that place, you may find it helpful to talk with a Pastor or a counselor.

Lots of things wrong with this elk's portrait...

 #2 - Next we need to acknowledge our spouse's imperfections. That's really not as hard as acknowledging our own shortcomings, is it? Let's face it - generally there is no one in whom we see imperfections more clearly than in our spouse. But I'm not talking about acknowledging their flaws in a way that calls them out, belittles them, or causes strife in your relationship. What I'm talking about is you simply internally recognizing that not everything your spouse does or says or thinks is going to be done with absolute perfection. It's important! Remember, not everything you do or say or think is going to be done with absolute perfection either! (See point #1.) Also, your spouse is not going to do everything the same as you do. And that's okay. You didn't marry your own clone. Our differences can actually make our relationship stronger if we learn to work through them and if we quit thinking that our way is always the only right way of handling things.

Out of focus Bighorn Sheep ewe and lamb.

#3 - Lastly, we need to recognize that life is imperfect. Other people are imperfect. Your kids are imperfect. Your body/health is imperfect. Your job is imperfect. The world is imperfect. Oftentimes you will face things that are out of your control. It's not fun to be thrown into situations like that. Sometimes when you are, you or your spouse will have an imperfect reaction. That's normal and understandable. When those imperfect reactions happen, we have a choice as to how we are going to respond to our other half. Will we let anger take a foothold in our relationship, clawing it's way between us and driving in a wedge of unforgiveness that can be very difficult or even almost impossible to remove? Or will we acknowledge our feelings about what happened, talk honestly with our spouse, forgive, and move forward?

There's a Bullock's Oriole hidden behind that brushy foreground.

It is important to note that acknowledging imperfections is not the same thing as accepting them. We should always strive to do better. If you realize that your car is dragging a muffler or something while you're driving down the road you surely aren't going to say, "Well, that's alright. My car's not perfect," and keep on driving. Nooo... you're going to pull over to the side of the road. And in the absence of duct tape or bailing twine (haha), you're probably going to call a tow truck. It's true that your car isn't perfect. But you're not going to ignore the problem. You're going to try to fix it. Can you "fix" your spouse when you see some flaws in their life? Um... NO. That's not going to go over well at all. But, what you CAN do is work on fixing your own imperfections. Matthew 7: 3-5* says, "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." If you've got an area in your life you need to work on (and we all do), focus on doing that first. Put forth the effort that is needed, including praying to ask God for help with the issue. And while you're on your knees, pray for your spouse, too! Chances are they will see the effort you are putting into your own life. And if you're praying, God is going to be working on their heart as well.

We must have some grace for each other! Marriages do require constant effort from both husband and wife in order to succeed. I think we tend to forget that sometimes. Perhaps especially as we have been married for an increasing number of years. Just as salvation is not simply a one-time event, but rather a constant process of learning to follow God and returning to Him for forgiveness when we mess up, so also marriage is a constant process of learning how to best love and support our spouse and asking for forgiveness from them when we make mistakes. Let these words from Paul in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a* be a guide for you: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

(Please Note: In no way does saying "I'm imperfect" or "he/she is imperfect" create an excuse for any kind of abusive behavior. If you are experiencing an abusive relationship, please get help.)

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: 

If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. 

But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. 

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. 

But how can one keep warm alone? 

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. 

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

-Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12*

*Scripture verses in this post were taken from the NIV Bible.

In the Hands of a Craftsman

Every Saturday evening I sit down at the computer to create the weekly bulletin for our church service on Sunday. Part of that process involves glancing over PJ's sermon to find the scriptures that he will be using the next day. We like to put the references in the bulletin so they are handy for people. PJ highlights them in bold when he types up his message so they are easy to find in the text, thus I don't typically read his whole sermon. But this week when I read the title, "God Our Healer," I decided to read the first paragraph... and I ended up reading the whole thing. See, earlier in the week I was starting to put together my thoughts for a new post, and when I started reading PJ's sermon I realized that it went right along with what I was planning to write. I didn't write this earlier in the week because I just couldn't decide how to start it. I think I needed to hear that sermon first.

What's more, last week my blog post about peace went right along with the sermon PJ wrote - so much so that he actually ended up reading it as part of his message. It was a last-minute decision on his part, and I didn't know he was going to do that ahead of time. My point is - we didn't talk about these things and purposefully try to line up our thoughts, but obviously God is working on us both in similar ways right now. And though the message is for us - it's not only for us, which is why we are sharing it. Him from behind the pulpit, and me from behind my keyboard. I think we make a pretty good team (you know... when we aren't trying to decide what restaurant to go to... 😉).

What I would like to talk about is... furniture. Oh, but you thought this post was about healing, right? Well, bear with me for a minute.

I like wood furniture. Real wood furniture, not that pressboard stuff. I like to see the grain of the wood. (Maybe that has something to do with me spending so much time in my Grandpa's wood shop as a kid, I don't know... but I do like the smell of sawdust!) I especially like furniture with a little bit of history to it. I like to buy it used. I like how sometimes certain pieces seem to have a story to tell with their patina, including their nicks, scratches, and marks.

The problem with some of that beautiful and unique old wood furniture is that sometimes time has not been too kind to it. It has been well-loved and well-used over the years. That tabletop has dents and scratches from utensils and plates (and dog paws, sometimes). That chair has wobbly legs and a loose rung. That dresser has some cracks in the corners and the finish is mostly worn off.

Some people like to refinish pieces of furniture like that. They might find that table, chair, or dresser at a thrift store or yard sale for cheap, take it home, and do some work to it. They might use some glue and some wood filler, throw a coat of paint over the whole thing, and call it good. It will look nice for a little while, but with continued use it won't be too long until the paint has some scratches in it, the glue loses its hold, and so forth. Refinishing something means that most of what gets worked on is only surface deep, to improve the look of the piece. Eventually you may find that old chair sitting by the curb, waiting for the next trash pick-up. It now has multiple layers of paint on it, some of which has built up in the corners and dried into hard lumps. The legs are wobbly again, and the loose rung has broken. No one wants to take it home now. Its issues are not going to be solved by another coat of paint.

What that chair needs now is not another DIYer - it needs a true craftsman. A craftsman who can not just refinish it again, but who can actually restore it. It needs someone who will strip off all the old, lumpy layers of paint and expose the wood beneath along with all the underlying issues so that they can be fixed up as well. Broken pieces can be repaired or replaced. Only after all the deeper issues have been addressed and the piece is solid and sturdy once again will the craftsman sand the wood smooth and apply several coats of stain and sealant. The piece has now been restored to its former glory and it is no longer destined for the landfill. It is no longer ugly and falling apart, but it is now beautiful and solid.

The old furniture - maybe it is your life, maybe it is your relationships. All the things you have been dealing with have created some cracks, or some wobbles, or just some general ugliness. Maybe you have tried the DIY route and attempted to cover up the underlying issues. (I really think we have all done that at one time or in one situation or another.) The problem is that because the deeper problems were never really addressed they will always rise back to the surface eventually - often when you are under stress (even if it is unrelated to the original issues). You don't need another "refinishing." This is not a DIY project. You need a restoration performed by the hands of a craftsman - the very craftsman who created you in the first place!

Your heavenly Father - He doesn't just perform a surface cover-up of the issues. He goes deep, to the root. Is it painful sometimes? Yes! It's not always easy to deal with our junk. PJ's sermon this morning - it wasn't focused on God's role in our lives as our physical healer, but more on how He provides spiritual and emotional healing for us. That's restoration, and that's an aspect of God as healer that we don't necessarily always think of - but it's very important. "Spiritual and emotional 'junk' hinders our lives and our relationships." I see that all the time in my own life and in the lives of others. Many times we have trouble moving on from our hurts and we pick up offenses... These are the things that start to form the cracks and wobbles in our lives, and we have trouble moving on and living how God has called us to live. In order to receive the healing that God wants for us in those areas "we have to allow ourselves to be broken before the Lord." "In order for God to bring healing, we need to be honest." (See Psalm 6 - David being honest with God.) God wants to help. He wants to heal. But it is also necessary for us to do our part as well. That's where the honesty and the brokenness come in. That's where we need to surrender to the will of God and lay down our own pride and selfishness. We also need to read our Bible and pray. "The word of God should breathe healing in our lives. We need to pray and ask God to make His word alive in us." (All quotes in this section credited to PJ.)

You guys - HE is so FAITHFUL! It is the very nature of God to be faithful. He cannot be unfaithful. Yes, we can walk away. Yes, we can choose to try to live apart from Him. Yes, we can attempt to make our own path and to be our own guide. We can take that old DIY route. But... that always ends in heartache for us, for our relationships. To live a life surrendered to God isn't easy either. Life isn't easy in general. But when we do live that way - trusting in a faithful God - living a surrendered life - following God's will - He will always take care of us. He will always have our hand as we step into the unknown... and that makes all the difference. When you see someone who has risen above and has overcome and yet says, "I had nothing to do with my own success, rather it was God working in me," that's the evidence of things unseen. That's faith in the God who heals us in every area of our lives - not only the physical, but the spiritual and emotional as well.

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

- Hebrews 11: 1 (KJV)

Peace Like a River

Oh my goodness! I cannot believe that my last post was nearly two years ago! I used to love doing this so much, but LIFE… 

You know how sometimes life is just… Well, it gets a little tough. And it’s not always because something catastrophic has happened. Many times it’s just all the little things, and some bigger ones, that keep piling up on top of each other day by day, week by week, month by month, that suddenly out of nowhere seem to come crashing down on top of you. Kind of like when you go into the grocery store for just one or two items and don’t grab a shopping basket. Inevitably you find three or four more things that you “need” which you carefully arrange in your hands and arms as best you can (and you’re thinking, “I have GOT this…”)… And then you walk past the freezer aisle, and see that mango sorbet (which you think surely you can splurge on since you are only buying a few items), and suddenly! Yup. You are the one who slowly feels the half gallon of milk slipping out of the crook of your elbow, and now you’re squeezing the loaf of bread a little too tightly and the can of tomato sauce is digging into your forearm while you reach into the freezer… And in barely enough time for you to realize what even happened – YOU, my dear, are the one for whom the loudspeaker drolly tolls, “Clean up in aisle 2.” At least help is on the way. 

Oh, I am so there right now. 

Life – it goes through seasons like that sometimes. Everything goes through seasons, really. We wish that we could just STAY at the good places and avoid every bit that looks a little complicated or scary, but life’s just not like that. 

This river runs nearby where we live. I took this picture (above) in April. At this time of the year, the temperature is slowly getting warmer and some of the snow up in the high country is melting. As it melts, it runs off the mountainsides in small streams, runs down into larger streams, and eventually joins up with the river. It’s an impressive amount of water.

I took this picture in June at the same spot. At this time of the year, run off is peaking. Water seems to be coming from everywhere. Flooding and mudslides are not uncommon events. All this water is still making its way down to the river which is running much higher, as you can see. It’s a scary amount of water now. Standing alongside it and hearing the roar and watching the rapids feels really intimidating. 

By the end of the summer the river will be even lower than it was in April.

The river – it goes through seasons too. It can’t stay in one place either. It has to change. It has to adapt. It has to deal with whatever comes its way.

Do you want to know what else I think is interesting about rivers? The Bible says that PEACE can be like a river. Peace. When hear that word I think of quiet things. Things that are gentle. Things that are still. A sleeping baby. A bench seat under the shade of a big tree. Flowers blowing in the breeze. And it’s true, those things are peaceful. God’s peace helps us feel a sense of calm inside ourselves even when the storms are raging outside. But I think there is another aspect to consider. If peace is like a river…

WAIT UP A SECOND. Did I show you the river?

PEACE!

It suddenly occurred to me a few months ago, while sitting in church listening to PJ preach (about something unrelated… I promise I was trying to pay attention…), that PEACE like a RIVER… THAT kind of peace – it’s POWERFUL. It’s REFRESHING. It’s OVERWHELMING. If peace is like a river – it’s NOT passive. It’s ACTIVE!!

What are you facing in your season of life? Is it something huge and painful and scary? Is it something so small that you hardly want to acknowledge to anyone that it is an issue and you want to sweep it under the rug and forget about it? Is it all the little things, and some bigger ones, that are piling up and threatening to overwhelm you?

When we read in our Bibles about peace, I’m just not convinced that we should picture a small stream running through a meadow. I think we should picture this river – powerful, refreshing, overwhelming, and active. If I think of that when I read these words of Jesus, these verses take on even deeper meaning for me:

John 14: 27 (NIV) – “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

John 16: 33 (NIV) – “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Peace that comes from God… it’s not passive. It’s powerful and active. And I don’t know about you, but I need it. It’s what gets me through all those different seasons. Let me not forget that.

"For this is what the Lord says: 'I will extend peace to her like a river...'"

-Isaiah 66: 12a (NIV)